Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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