i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
