Where is the hickey?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
