wanna go halves on a baby?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
