You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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