ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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