I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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