Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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