I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
