Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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