I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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