can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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