I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
