I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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