Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
