Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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