You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
