Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I looked at my own cervix.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
