guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
