that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
