I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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