I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
