I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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