sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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