Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
