so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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