i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
