i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
