i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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