I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
