neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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