Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She's the barista slut.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
