I wish I could teleport
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
