ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
my being single is dangerous.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
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i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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