I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
