my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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