I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
