I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
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