i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
