I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
