I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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