Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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