He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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