one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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