see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
