grandma shit on top of the toilet
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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