Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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