We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
