giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
