No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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