My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
