Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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