My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
