There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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