then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
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The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
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True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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