Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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