i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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