You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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