Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
