No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Randomize
