Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
