I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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