She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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